Hello Me, Meet The Real Me.

SWEATING BULLETS!!! Love that song! An actual update, it's been a while. I've been attempting a cranial version of a detox i.e. stop everything until I can breathe normally and my blood pressure drops. That tic in my left eye has gone too. Stress is a funny ol' thing, you can't seem to vanquish it the same way twice. You must go through the same motions again and again, re-discover the lessons you've inconveniently forgotten the last time you came head to head with the stress beast. Which ironically adds 'looking foolish' to the list of things that were worrying you in the first place.

Feeling good now though, which means getting back on schedule! That said though I didn't stray too far from my schedule, just haven't been updating it on here. It wasn't all the tasks I've given myself that caused mental overload, it was the constant bureaucracy of this site, the cigarette thing was just the last straw. Makes sense though, stress barges in when you're worrying about things you haven't done. You're a fortunate soul if you're thought process follows this route:

1. 'I want/should do this.'
2. 'Now I am doing it.'

Basically if you insert any other thoughts in between you're leaving the front door open, making up a spare bed and setting an extra plate at dinner for stress and any of his buddies like anxiety, depression and self-destruction. Can you train yourself to only think along those lines, to think of what you need to do and just do it without dawdling? I like to think it's possible, in fact that's pretty much all I've been doing this year. Slowly training myself to do what it necessary without question or procrastination. I'll vouch for it not being easy...but I'll be glad I went through it should I succeed.

Some examples of it's success include my sudden excitement to be working on the 'Hey Rain' web site. I've almost finished the design and am now contemplating the content. It's brought back a lot of memories of grades 8-10 when I was teaching myself HTML and was working on a number of personal websites. Back then you sort of needed to know coding to make the page exactly how you wanted. Too bad I didn't keep any of that stuff for prosperity, all I can remember are the themes, one for Beavis & Butt-head, one for the Age of Empires series and one for British comedy. So many afternoons spent editing pixels for optimal viewing. I'm highly confident I'll be able to have this site online by the end of next month.

Secondly I've been smoke free for over 48 hours now and I did it without much planning or thought processing. I thought to myself 'I want to quit smoking' and then stopped, that's exactly how I want to get through life. I think that this will be the one, if I can just make it to the three week mark I should be home free. After all the last time I managed to get three months without smoking I was still in the mindset that I would start up again once the addiction was gone. A truly stupid thought. But it helped pound the message into my head;

Once you become addicted to something you're never free of that addiction, it is with you for life.

If you want to overcome an addiction you have to be wary of that forever more. I made it three months and then I started drinking a bit heavily again and thought 'well, one smoke can't hurt'. One smoke rapidly turned into a pack a day once again. I have higher hopes I'll succeed this time because a) my different thoughts on addiction and b) I'm not drinking any more. I can't blame it entirely on alcohol though, one of the primary reasons I've had so much trouble quitting is because part of me believes that smoking is cool. It's been so long now that it became part of my costume, there's the raggedy clothes, the t-shirt with the band on it, the headband, the long hair, the bag and the cigarettes. To stop thinking so lovingly about smoking would be to desecrate my own self. At least that's how I've been picturing it. Getting rid of the booze and smokes would be like getting rid of the music, dissecting my personality.

Also it feels like a link to the past, which for some reason I have trouble letting go of. Probably because thus far 2001-2005 has been the most exciting period of my life, the end of high school and the first couple of years in China. All of which I was heavily smoking and drinking. I still think drinking is very cool and fun even though I haven't touched a drop of the stuff for about three months. I'm afraid that those memories will become tainted should I mess with my past philosophies.

"I don't know who first said that you don't need alcohol to enjoy yourself. But, when it comes to hanging out at a bar that ideology is complete and utter bollocks. Alcohol makes it all so much more fun and everyone becomes increasingly more attractive. Why would you say that you don't need it to have fun? Is it fun sitting down in a booth, quietly sighing, watching everyone else laughing their heads off and maybe even some impromptu dancing and singing? Show me where the fun is and I'll agree with you. Maybe it'd be just as fun if no one was drinking, but what are the chances that is going to happen. The real test is will I be able to look at all that drinking and stop myself from joining in. Can I resist the urge? I'm going to stop thinking about it for the moment, it's too depressing. You can take the party away from me, but you can't take it out of me."

That is something I wrote back in 2006 and I can remember clearly the thought that went into it, because I've thought the same way up until this year. This journal is full of similar sentiment on a number of self destructing issues. But I can admit when I'm wrong, since I've been wrong on many occasions. Now all I need to do is distance myself completely from such thought, because even three years later it still makes sense on some level, but it shouldn't because it is wrong. For one alcohol does not ensure pleasure and it doesn't increase it. At most it drastically reduces your inhibitions...which can be fun. But you should try and ascertain exactly why you want to do crazy shit in the first place? Are you that unhappy with life? When I wrote that I was particularly unhappy with life and with myself. It's no wonder I used to love getting fucked up.

If you're content with the way life is going or your optimistic that it's only going to get better then you no longer need the anarchy that comes with drugs or alcohol. But if you can think of a way to separate those memories from the desire to keep living the same way, then let me know.

Right, lunch time I think. The vege burgers I made yesterday turned out to be quite tasty, though it was difficult to get them to stay in burger form. I'm going to have to keep experimenting to make them more solid. Okay, that's enough out of my yap!

P.S. If anyone is interested in going to AC/DC with me please let me know. Tickets are on sale on the 25th. You do not want to miss this one!

Andy Scott