I'm Too Old For This Shit...

Those few words are omnipresent, though that may be due to the fact that I've seen the Lethal Weapon movies a million times by now. What gets me about this time of year is that things get put off for a while. There's no reason why a person has to wait till January 1st to make life altering decisions that could have been made the day before. I suppose it's just that feeling of having a clean slate. All I know is that all the baggage I was carrying hurtled into the new year with me, like a perpetual motion machine whose only purpose is to kick me in the balls all day.

I'm dying for something positive to talk about. And whilst I don't see anything happening soon, I'm not ruling it out completely yet. Right now I'm at an impasse with the future and no matter which way I veer there it is. Sure you could say the same for any single moment of your life, but it's only those times when difficulty lays ahead that you truly take notices. The times when you have to decide to either curl up in a fetal position or stampede at it like madman on meths...naked.

For a long time I've been curled up tighter than Ebeneezer Scrooge's sphincter on Christmas Day. Defiant against a system that doesn't give a damn whether I like it or not. After all there are billions of people out there who are more than willing to take my place in the world. This brings me back to the title of this post. My opinions haven't changed...but I really am getting too old for this shit.

I'm not going to reiterate on why I've decided university is my only option...well maybe just a little then. As I've said, I cannot physically or mentally bring myself to take on the 'convenient' jobs. Each time I begin looking at the jobs that are available I end up becoming more depressed. So I think to myself 'how much does money really matter to you?' It's rarely enough to send a resume in that's for sure.

I was accepted back into the UQ fold a few weeks ago. So that choice is there. But really there is no way you could define it as a choice. It's like being in prison and the 7 foot, 150KG guy comes up to you and says 'I'm going to rape you or kill you. Choose!' Still at least I have the opportunity to go back.

The one point that angers me the most is why do I even care? I have no aspirations when it comes to money. I'm even comfortable with the pittance the government allows me let alone making a fortune. I certainly don't want a long career in one field and that's pretty much your destiny when going through uni if you can even GET a job in the field you studied for.

I think what it all boils down to is one thing and that's what was uncovered during my now defunct sessions in therapy. That one this is, believe it or not...respect. It's what made year 11 and 12 great as I had the mutual respect of a group of teachers. It's the reason I stayed in China for two and a half years. And now the reason why I've shrunk back into this room trying to avoid all human contact. I just feel like that guy who's failed university twice before getting kicked out, who lives on the aforementioned charity of the government and who has the same physical health as a middle-aged person. I've lost so much self-esteem and even more self-respect and that's not something you can just will yourself to have. It's not too hard to give someone else a good impression, worse comes to worst 'fake it till you make it', but when it comes to yourself you have to earn it over and over again...

So I have the ambition to be really good at something, I want to be the guy people call because they know I'm the man for the job. But where and what that 'something' is is filled by a massive void. That's mental torture, it's agonizing and I'm too old for this shit...

For the last few weeks in particular I've been wracking my brain to come up with that certain 'something.' That interspersed with a lot of DVDs, it's gotten to the point where I contemplate taking up the career of whoever I'm watching on screen. I've looked over the list of subjects at the UQ website many times now and I can't commit to anything. It seems like I have an issue or two with all of them.

I think about how much I value personal achievements rather than those related to a career. If I could put as much effort into the latter as I do when it comes to music, TV shows or films I'd be home and safe. Those particular things are not mediums to kill time to me, but real passions. So why can't I feel passionate towards getting a career? I know I care very little about the world and want to disassociate with it as much as possible, but surely there is a way I can do both. Yet if it weren't for my desire to be respected I could sit on the couch all day stuffing myself with whatever I felt like, without a single care in the world.

That is what I have carried over into the new year, the same thing I've carried over for a number of years now. And yes, I AM too old for this shit! I'm tired of looking at the exact same resolutions every year, this has got to stop one way or another. So I've given myself one last chance for university. Should I fail again...well I've told my old school in China to put my name down as a major possibility to return in August. I can go back to a place where I am respected en masse. It's my carrot on the end of a stick.

I still believe there's a chance here in Australia and there's no way I could feel that way without you guys and your continual support.

Tamara, even though you're far away I always know that you're there for a chat whether serious or otherwise. I know that my personality has changed a lot over the years and with you moving away and everything I am deeply touched that we've been able to remain friends. I only hope that I'll be able to end up repaying you for everything.

Mum and Dad, I can't seem to put into words how much you guys mean to me. For a while I wasn't sure whether I lived up to your standards until I realized that those standards were just figments of my rattled psyche.

Yazz, I have to thank you most of all. There's a reason why we've been so close for over a decade now. When I look at you I see everything I want to be. Sure you've certainly got your own kinks to work out, but you've succeeded phenomenally in the area that I have the most trouble in. So know that with every thing you do I'm paying attention and trying to think of ways to be more like Yazz.

It's you few people that give me the strength to keep going and the reason why I have not given up. Also I suppose I should add some generic sentiment, good luck to all of you with this new year. It's year of the rat so astrologically it should be the year for great things. My one and only resolution: Have something positive to report by this time next year.

Andy Scott